THE STORY OF THIS SYMBOL
The story comes in two parts
I. The very first time I painted was in reaction to the changing world. I called the picture “First Act”. It seemed to be trying to find a kind of rebellion. Something strong and true - the courage to act. To believe in something. I painted “Love Warrior because that something became closer to love than anything else.
II. A very sad story about my beloved cat, Brixton.
Not long after we had have our baby boy “put to sleep”.
I hate that term. It feels like a betrayal. But any other term would make day to day impossible.
The Dr started to give him the first injection to make him sedate. And then one of the worst things I could think of happened. He got scared. He tried to run with the needle sticking out of his back. Brian caught him and he made that horrible yelling noise that cats figting make. He’d never done that before. I said, “Let him go, just let him go.” Finally the Dr got the shot in. Brian let go. And then that little being tried to run. But it wasnt working. He just layed out on the floor like he was running at full speed. It looked so weird. Like something from a bad dream. I lay, my face next to his. I knew I had to do somethng. Something to counteract the fear he just felt - I did not want him to die afraid. I said the only mantra I could think of. “ I love you. I love you so, so much”
And then fast, way too fast it was over. I heard Brian say so gently, “They can still hear for a while.” And then I was alone with my Brixton.
I wanted to guide him into the unknown but I did not know what to say. I held my hand on his chest. I tried to think of something, anything to help ease the journey. To do more than anyone could. To somehow undo what had transpired. So much noise in my head.
And then everything in my head just stopped.
No thought, just space.
Brian came back with the Doctor. I kept feeling like I had failed. In that moment I needed to be there I couldn’t think of anything.
Later that day I tried to process something that can’t be. I struggled to think of what I would have said or done in that blank moment. I walked to workshop and saw something I’d been working on for a long time. A mark I’d made. It seemed to fill that impossible space like that was what it had been created for. It was everything that I could wish for him. Never ending peace. Peace beyond even the meaning of the word.
